I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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