We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
