I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
