moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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