I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
