I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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