I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
