I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
