I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
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