she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
