I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
