I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize