Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
