Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
