You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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