I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize