I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
