She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
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