I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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