I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
