only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
