I just made out with a guy for $7.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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