I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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