you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
