all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
