He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
tell me about the eggs
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
