A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
