I cockslap morals
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize