Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
