This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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