Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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