Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
