my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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