Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
