so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
