I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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