Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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