Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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