i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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