the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
smell my finger.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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