and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
