Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
