Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
