I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
