Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
