I molested 6 butterflies tonight
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
