she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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