Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize