my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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