Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
