She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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