i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
He passed out mid-signature
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
