Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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