Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
