If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
