bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
