I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
