I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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