so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
