So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Randomize
